I'm sitting here at 11:47 pm, trying to figure out who I am. I started to make a list of traits, but they all seem trivial. I can always find ways that I am not a certain characteristic, or how that doesn't apply to me. There's no way to make a list of who Lauren Ann Kinnard is. Mainly because I don't know. I don't know if I will ever know. I know that I love to be the center of attention, but that I don't open up to many people. I know that I enjoy musicals and tv, but I feel guilty for watching so much. I know that I am passionate, but that I am quick to loose interest in things. I know I love exploring new places, but crave being at home with my family.
I also know that I am tired of the exhaustion that comes with constantly trying to figure out who I am. My mind goes back to Christ. As much as I've been fighting it every day and as much as I don't want to admit it, I miss belonging to something. I miss being able to pray about things. I miss knowing that my identity is in Christ. Even though as I say that, something inside me cringes at the thought of letting go of myself. And I believe it's because I don't know what that truly means. I just know the shame and guilt that has come with the attempt at perfection and the inevitable failure that follows.
I want to feel like there is something bigger than myself and bigger than my failures, but I don't want to quit thinking and considering other opinions. I don't want to get lost in the religion and the rules and regulations. I don't want to quit being challenged by other opinions and situations. I don't want to loose my desire to see and explore new places and people. I don't want to become a church person.
But, I know that I can't make it much longer without something larger than myself to fall back onto. But I don't want to give up and go back to what I've known in the past. I want a new place to find Christ. I believe in a God that is patient and ever pursuing his Children. I believe in a God that rejoices more over one sinner returned than over 100 faithful children. I believe in a God of Justice, and I believe in a God that sees all people and blesses everyone with something unique to give. I believe in a God that rejoices at the gift of dance and comedy and fashion. I believe in a God that bestows those gifts on us. I believe in a God that understands the pain that some Christians have caused and is ready to face that and change it. I believe in a God that is not scared of wounds and does not leave those who seek him despite their failures.
I want to find a place that believes in these things, too. I want to return to this God, but I'm scared and selfish and wounded. So, it's going to be a journey. And if history repeats itself, this journey will be filled with many peaks and many more valleys. But, I'm coming to a place of surrender. I want to surrender; I want the God that I described above to be my identity. I want to be his creation. I don't want to lose the characterstics that He gave me, but I want the freedom to fail and mess up and not act according to those characterstics and the comfort in knowing that I'm still okay even when that happens.
So, God, if you're listening, please heal me. Please reveal yourself to me. Please help me to keep asking questions, but show me your answers. But not the Sunday School answers, really listen to my questions, and answer them, Father. And if you won't answer them, then give me peace through the uncertainty. I do love you, Lord. Give me grace and forgive me. Show me who you truly are.
And to whoever else is reading, I hope that you have found that which gives you peace. Pray that I find that as well. Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
