I get about 7 minutes into my p90x yoga dvd and realize i don't want to do this. It's not that I don't like yoga; I really do. It's just that I realize I'm not doing it because I enjoy it. I'm not even doing it because I care about my own health or well-being. I'm putting myself through 90 minutes of a work out that I don't really want to do because I want to be appealing to the world. Sure, the video tells me that I will improve my strength, flexibility, and cardio-vascular health all while relaxing and learning to breath and just be present in the moment. But none of that is really important to me. All my concern is, will this improve my appearance? Will doing this work out make my waist a few centimeters smaller or tone my arms a bit more? Will I lose another 2 or 3 lbs if I do this work out and don't eat the food that I want.
This has been my obsession for the past several years. And more specifically I've spent the past month and a half obsessing over following this p90x workout and eating only things which i convince myself are healthy and few calories. And now I'm tired. I'm fed up. It always happens this way. I go strong for about a month or so, then get tired and don't get the results that I want, so I give up. I go to the opposite extreme and eat whatever I want and work-out alot less. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want the guilt that I feel if I don't spend an hour a day working out. I don't want the obsessive thoughts about what others see when they look at me. I don't want to feel like everyone's view of me is only a good as I am skinny or attractive.
Because let's face it, experience tells me that people don't only see the outside. Well, some experience tells me that. Most experiences do. I look back to times when I feel as though I was at my worst appearance. I wasn't working out like I should have (or like I believe I should have) and I was eating as a normal college student, and then realize that I was making some of my strongest friendships. Funny how that realization is silenced by the few times that rejection has come because of my appearance. That the negative experiences (that I can count on one hand) scream over the hundreds of positive experiences.
So once again, I find myself trying to silence the voice that tells me I'm not doing enough. That sets the bar unreachably high, and therefore, keeps me in constant disappointment and shame. I pray that I can finally break free of that. I want to accept who I am and what I look like. I want to be active and fit and eat in moderation and be okay with that.
I want it to stick this time.
I don't know how to make it stick.
I want to be whole. I want to love myself. I want to let go.
I need to.
