It's been a while since I posted because life has been extremely busy for me the past few weeks. Its been filled with good stuff, some not great, and some pretty sucky stuff, but overall it's just alot of stuff...
Although I've had alot of thoughts that could use processing, I'm not sure what I want to talk about in this post. Basically because I don't want to be perceived as a bitter person, and most of these thoughts are extremely laiden with emotions such as bitterness, anger, hurt, and sadness. But, since this is my blog, and I use it to process through what I am feeling, I'm going to proceed without apology for whatever comes out. So, if you don't want to walk through these thoughts with me, I'd advise you stop here. You've been warned! ;)
I'm at a place where I am becoming aware of that which is less than ideal in myself. And I believe alot of this is the product of the injustice that I have faced in my life, mainly through Church. And as I become aware, I find that I must process through this in order to come out at a better place than I currently am. This, however, is not easy or comfortable.
And one of the ways this is uncomfortable is that with these realizations comes loneliness. Being in Tennessee, the Bible Belt of the US, there aren't many people questioning the acts of the church and their effects; thus, it is hard to share what I'm thinking/feeling for fear of rejection. So, that's what I'm doing here. If I can't go to specific people (although I have found a few exceptions), might as well put it out in cyber space, right? ;) So, here goes...
Guilt. Shame. Manipulation. These are the words that come to mind when I think of my experience growing up in church. At age 10, I felt with my whole being that if I didn't get baptized, and died that day, I would go to hell. Age 10. What does that say about the messages I was receiving? Me, the girl who not only thought this at 10 but who as a 1st grader cried for 30 minutes because I talked in school and had to pull a card. I don't know if you think something is wrong with this, but I do. Can you remember a time when you were a child that you were totally carefree? That you could just play and not worry about things because you weren't aware of the pressures of life? I've heard that kids are like this, but I don't remember a time like that. Ever.
As a result, as a 20 year old, I don't relax much. I am still burdened by this pressure. I constanly question myself. Questions such as, "Have I been productive today?" "Did I study enough?" "Did I give enough?" "Am I at the right church?" "Have I worked out enough?" And on and on. For a long time, I didn't understand where my obsessive personality came from, but lately I have been enlightened to the source of that, my strict upbringing. As I'm becoming aware of this, it makes lots and lots of sense. No wonder my mind is on constant watch for my own 'failures', I was taught that perfection was the goal. That in order to be accepted and to simply be okay, I had to never fail, or in church it was referred to as, never 'sinning.' So, I adapted. I became ever vigilant for my own slip ups, and over the years, these standards stuck, even as the outside messages faded a bit. So, despite the fact that I am not in chapel everyday or 'strict' church every Sunday, that voice is ever present, it's just in my mind now.
So, this brings me to the point of all this, the solution. Unfortunately, however, since this condition is 20 years in the making, it's probably going to be 20 years in the 'undoing.' But, I already feel like progress is occurring. I'm learning to stifle that voice that has been created. I am learning to listen to what is my truth. Well, I'm learning to listen to it as I'm learning what it is. What I've figured out so far is that I am not defined by my failures. That perfection is not the goal, and that I am good. That there is not always a clear 'should' or 'shouldn't.' That I do not have to push my self 110% all the time in all areas of life. That I am allowed to rest; that I am allowed to procrastinate a little; that I am allowed to eat a little more dessert than I should on occasion.
These may seem like small things that most people don't consider for too long after they've done them, but for me, these are revelations. Revelations that I have to be vigilant to remind myself of. So, I am excited about the steps that I am making, but it is a slow process. It's not a fun process, and it's a sad process because it is one that is a product, not of my behavior, but of my environment. So, I hope that whoever is reading this will think twice about what messages you are receiving, and their effects on you. That you will consider the environment that you allow your children to be in. That you will invest in places and people that will uplift you, that will affirm in you the good. That will not attempt to create perfection in you, but will encourage you in your successes and support you in your failures.
Since I am so in tune with the church people, my guess is that if anyone is reading this, it's likely that some people are wondering where I stand with God and church, so I'll attempt to speak about that. The main answer is, I don't know. I don't know where God is. I just know that He's not where I've been. I believe this is not the life He intended for me to live, a life burdened with pressure and void of rest. So, I've basically told God that He is going to have to find me through all of this. That I'm going to work to fix the damage that people have done, and that if I am His the way that I believe a child is his father's, then I trust Him to find me. I trust that He sees my heart, and the pain that is holds and understands my aversion to church and my desire to change my current reality. And it feels good to trust that whatever is supposed to happen with me and 'church' and 'God' will happen on His time, or it won't happen.
Hmmm... It feels great to blog again, and process through these thoughts. Peace comes after processing and sharing. I feel a small burden lifted now that I have putthat these thoughts out there. So, thanks Mom, for encouraging me to write. And I apologize if this doesn't make sense or seems unorganized.
And since it is 10 AM, I'll say Good Morning and Good Luck on whatever journey you find yourself on!
Lauren
PS, not only did Mom encourage me to write, but she encouraged me to read the book, "Angry Conversations with God" which has been helpful. I want to put a quote from it here, because I think it relates to where I'm at. This is Susan, the author, talking to her counselor about mistreatment she faced growing up and how she felt abandoned by God during that time, but also how she feels like it shouldn't matter and she should just suck it up.
Susan: The guy hung on a cross for me. I got bullied for 3 years. Big deal.
Rudy: But it was a big deal for you as a child. You prayed to Jesus and He didn't answer.
Susan: "I know the answer, Rudy. Life is filled with hardship. There are bad people in the world, and I had to learn how to deal with them."
Rudy: "I know a man who was molested by a priest for years. He needs a better answer than that. So do you. It doesn't matter how small it seems now, we're here because of how big it felt then. You need to tell Jesus that."
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
yep, i am a cliche...
So, Valentine's Day is in 3 days, and I am officially the cliche of a lonely young woman, listening to John Mayer at 11 pm, and wondering when someone will come along that will want to write these songs about me? I know that it will happen. I know that what is meant to be will be, and that whoever is to 'do life with me' will come along. I know all the truths (or supposed truths) that my girl friends or my mother will say when I mention loneliness, but these things don't change feelings.
Isn't that a strange occurance? The fact that our heads and our hearts can be in such different places at the same time? That we can repeat simple truths to ourselves millions of times without them ever truly reaching our hearts. I believe this is what makes us human. The fact that we have two such powerful forces inside us that are in constant conflict. Well, maybe not constant, but frequent conflict.
It seems to me that this conflict is central to our happiness. Whether we listen to our emotions, to our hearts, or whether we cling to the thoughts that could save us despite the ache in our hearts. Some would suggest that we are to follow our hearts, but I believe many times they lead us astray. That emotions can fool us into believing that which we would never believe otherwise. Lonliness can lead us to believe that this time it will be different, and bitterness can convince us that no one can ever deserve our trust.
So today, I will chose not to follow the ache that is telling me that I'm not worthy. That it is best to give up and build walls, or that I need to find someone to fill the whole that I feel tonight. No, I will chose to listen to my head. To cling to the hope and knowledge that I am not an old maid, yet. That I am 20 years old and have plenty of time to find my _______(insert dream man of your choice). That my mom and my girlfriends are right to urge me to keep the faith. That not everyone finds their soulmate at age 16 like my parents. That the ache that seems large now will be much easier to handle than the ache that would come with throwing myself into something that is not true, or building walls to avoid the pain that comes with waiting for love or from making a few mistakes during the search for it.
So, here's my plan for the next 3 days. I will cling to my friends. I will go on a Valentine's date with my friend Hannah, and make a heart shaped cake with her, and enjoy frienship, and sweets, and the cast of the new movie Valentine's Day. I will remember my friend Mary Helen that passed away 4 years to the day this Valentine's Day. I will celebrate the fact that she was surprised on Valentine's morning by dozens of white and red roses on the car that would take her to heaven. I will mourn that she is not here to celebrate another Valentine's Day, but be glad that she left on a great one. And I will chose to be happy for those around me that have found love. I will celebrate with them, and look forward to the day that they celebrate with me.
I guess that's all for my cliche blog post about Valentine's Day. If you must, you may judge me, but this is where I'm at, so that's that. I wanna leave with a quote from the John Mayer song that I just listened to. I think these could be some of the most romantic words a man could ever say to me, and if you know me, you know why.... (he's singing to an old lover about herself and then about the new girl his friends have set him up with.)
"i loved you, grey sweatpants. no make up. so perfect. our love was comfortable and so broken in...she's perfect. so flawless. i'm not impressed. i want you back."
Lauren
Isn't that a strange occurance? The fact that our heads and our hearts can be in such different places at the same time? That we can repeat simple truths to ourselves millions of times without them ever truly reaching our hearts. I believe this is what makes us human. The fact that we have two such powerful forces inside us that are in constant conflict. Well, maybe not constant, but frequent conflict.
It seems to me that this conflict is central to our happiness. Whether we listen to our emotions, to our hearts, or whether we cling to the thoughts that could save us despite the ache in our hearts. Some would suggest that we are to follow our hearts, but I believe many times they lead us astray. That emotions can fool us into believing that which we would never believe otherwise. Lonliness can lead us to believe that this time it will be different, and bitterness can convince us that no one can ever deserve our trust.
So today, I will chose not to follow the ache that is telling me that I'm not worthy. That it is best to give up and build walls, or that I need to find someone to fill the whole that I feel tonight. No, I will chose to listen to my head. To cling to the hope and knowledge that I am not an old maid, yet. That I am 20 years old and have plenty of time to find my _______(insert dream man of your choice). That my mom and my girlfriends are right to urge me to keep the faith. That not everyone finds their soulmate at age 16 like my parents. That the ache that seems large now will be much easier to handle than the ache that would come with throwing myself into something that is not true, or building walls to avoid the pain that comes with waiting for love or from making a few mistakes during the search for it.
So, here's my plan for the next 3 days. I will cling to my friends. I will go on a Valentine's date with my friend Hannah, and make a heart shaped cake with her, and enjoy frienship, and sweets, and the cast of the new movie Valentine's Day. I will remember my friend Mary Helen that passed away 4 years to the day this Valentine's Day. I will celebrate the fact that she was surprised on Valentine's morning by dozens of white and red roses on the car that would take her to heaven. I will mourn that she is not here to celebrate another Valentine's Day, but be glad that she left on a great one. And I will chose to be happy for those around me that have found love. I will celebrate with them, and look forward to the day that they celebrate with me.
I guess that's all for my cliche blog post about Valentine's Day. If you must, you may judge me, but this is where I'm at, so that's that. I wanna leave with a quote from the John Mayer song that I just listened to. I think these could be some of the most romantic words a man could ever say to me, and if you know me, you know why.... (he's singing to an old lover about herself and then about the new girl his friends have set him up with.)
"i loved you, grey sweatpants. no make up. so perfect. our love was comfortable and so broken in...she's perfect. so flawless. i'm not impressed. i want you back."
Lauren
Monday, February 8, 2010
currently reveling...
Today I was talking to a friend about reveling in the ambiguity of life. That is currently where I'm at in life. Reveling in the gray areas, in the unanswered questions, in the uncertainty that comes with each sunrise.
Why am I reveling? Well, because I can. I am no longer restrained by other's beliefs, by the insistence that every question has a definite answer. Because, let's be honest, they don't. Oh, sure, you can give the large questions of life definite answers, but for what end? When it comes down to real life situations, seldom do those definite answers provide an easy out.
Sure, I can say that I am a passifist, and war is never the answer. But then I am reminded of the injustice that has been stopped by a few years of war. I can say that divorce is never the answer, but then I am faced with the reality of lives spent in misery because of an unhappy marriage.
Therefore, I am reveling in the fact that I can come to no definite answers to most questions. Does this mean that I give up the search for these answers? Absolutely not. But it does mean that I quit discussing things in order to come to a quick conclusion, and learn to discuss things in order to learn from the discussion itself. For in open conversation, we often get closer to the answers we are searching for, than we do when we enter a debate or enter a discussion searching for answers.
I have found a few people that have been willing to enter into these discussions with me. And for that, I am extremely grateful. For, as the Wizard says in Wicked says, "There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguites, so we act as though they don't exist."
I propose that no matter how hard we attempt to pretend that these ambiguites don't exist, they do. And in my experience, (and the experience of Elphaba in Wicked, if you've seen the play), we often cause much more harm by avoiding ambiguites, than by facing them.
So, that is my suggestion. That we learn to disuss topics in order to savor the discussion. That we appreciate life for the fact that it is uncertain. That we appreciate the situations that challenge our solid answers, and revel in the opportunity to consider other perspectives and possiblities. For uncertainty is where we find growth. Without uncertanity, we wouldn't have to challenge our thoughts and beliefs and would remain stagnant our wholes lives. There would be no diversity of thought or person. If we find this apprecation, and attempt to acknowledge, discuss, and revel in uncertainty, we will learn how to improve our actions and decisions in each new uncertain situation.
I guess that's all. Just something to think about. I definitely am just learning this lesson, and will probably be doing my best to avoid uncertainty tomorrow because of the discomfort that comes with it, but then I'll read this blog, and be reminded why I'm learning to love it.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
Why am I reveling? Well, because I can. I am no longer restrained by other's beliefs, by the insistence that every question has a definite answer. Because, let's be honest, they don't. Oh, sure, you can give the large questions of life definite answers, but for what end? When it comes down to real life situations, seldom do those definite answers provide an easy out.
Sure, I can say that I am a passifist, and war is never the answer. But then I am reminded of the injustice that has been stopped by a few years of war. I can say that divorce is never the answer, but then I am faced with the reality of lives spent in misery because of an unhappy marriage.
Therefore, I am reveling in the fact that I can come to no definite answers to most questions. Does this mean that I give up the search for these answers? Absolutely not. But it does mean that I quit discussing things in order to come to a quick conclusion, and learn to discuss things in order to learn from the discussion itself. For in open conversation, we often get closer to the answers we are searching for, than we do when we enter a debate or enter a discussion searching for answers.
I have found a few people that have been willing to enter into these discussions with me. And for that, I am extremely grateful. For, as the Wizard says in Wicked says, "There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguites, so we act as though they don't exist."
I propose that no matter how hard we attempt to pretend that these ambiguites don't exist, they do. And in my experience, (and the experience of Elphaba in Wicked, if you've seen the play), we often cause much more harm by avoiding ambiguites, than by facing them.
So, that is my suggestion. That we learn to disuss topics in order to savor the discussion. That we appreciate life for the fact that it is uncertain. That we appreciate the situations that challenge our solid answers, and revel in the opportunity to consider other perspectives and possiblities. For uncertainty is where we find growth. Without uncertanity, we wouldn't have to challenge our thoughts and beliefs and would remain stagnant our wholes lives. There would be no diversity of thought or person. If we find this apprecation, and attempt to acknowledge, discuss, and revel in uncertainty, we will learn how to improve our actions and decisions in each new uncertain situation.
I guess that's all. Just something to think about. I definitely am just learning this lesson, and will probably be doing my best to avoid uncertainty tomorrow because of the discomfort that comes with it, but then I'll read this blog, and be reminded why I'm learning to love it.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
Sunday, February 7, 2010
we'll give it a try
Recently my mom mentioned that I should be a blogger. And since I've had a lot on my mind lately, I thought, let's give it a try. Whether anyone reads this or not is of little consequence to me. Well, I say that, but I would probably be pretty pleased to acquire a little following. But regardless of all that, I just hope to be able to put words to the things that I'm struggling through in hopes of making sense of them.
I've found that life comes with many trials and many days full of wrestling with what's right, or what's wise, what's pertinent, or what's most productive, what will cause us the least pain, or requires the least effort. Why is that? Why is it that we are the only species on this planet that has deep thoughts? That has morals? That cares what we look like or what we own? Why do we acquire things? Why do we strive for entertainment? For progress? For love?
Well, I don't know the answers to these questions. As I grew up, I was taught that it is all because God created it this way. That it was all created for His glory, and thus I was to live to add to that glory. But recently, I don't know if that is exactly what I believe or what is truth. Because that idea has brought alot of pain to my heart. Not because this God intended it to, but because people have manipulated that idea. So, this is my struggle. Do I listen to and adhere to what was pounded into my head for 20 years because everyone around me believes it? Or do I face the reality that nothing is certain in this life, and that the truth that I have been told will 'set me free' has been a prison for much of my life?
I believe I will face that reality in order to find what is my truth. I don't know what that truth will look like, but I'm excited to find it. I'm excited to find a reality where I am not plagued by questions of my worth based on performance. I'm excited to find a God that doesn't base my worth on the things that others around me base it on. I'm excited to explore the questions of this earth, and find the answers that give me the most peace. I'm also a bit nervous because with exploration comes uncertainty. And with uncertainty, comes discomfort.
So, if anyone is reading this, feel free to join me on this journey. Reply if you're supportive, please don't if you're not. I guess that's all.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
I've found that life comes with many trials and many days full of wrestling with what's right, or what's wise, what's pertinent, or what's most productive, what will cause us the least pain, or requires the least effort. Why is that? Why is it that we are the only species on this planet that has deep thoughts? That has morals? That cares what we look like or what we own? Why do we acquire things? Why do we strive for entertainment? For progress? For love?
Well, I don't know the answers to these questions. As I grew up, I was taught that it is all because God created it this way. That it was all created for His glory, and thus I was to live to add to that glory. But recently, I don't know if that is exactly what I believe or what is truth. Because that idea has brought alot of pain to my heart. Not because this God intended it to, but because people have manipulated that idea. So, this is my struggle. Do I listen to and adhere to what was pounded into my head for 20 years because everyone around me believes it? Or do I face the reality that nothing is certain in this life, and that the truth that I have been told will 'set me free' has been a prison for much of my life?
I believe I will face that reality in order to find what is my truth. I don't know what that truth will look like, but I'm excited to find it. I'm excited to find a reality where I am not plagued by questions of my worth based on performance. I'm excited to find a God that doesn't base my worth on the things that others around me base it on. I'm excited to explore the questions of this earth, and find the answers that give me the most peace. I'm also a bit nervous because with exploration comes uncertainty. And with uncertainty, comes discomfort.
So, if anyone is reading this, feel free to join me on this journey. Reply if you're supportive, please don't if you're not. I guess that's all.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
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