thank you, Lauren.

The title for this blog is not, though it so appears, a line of thanksgiving to myself. Or even a line of sarcasm about my newest unhealthy venture towards feeling whole. It is, however, a sincere line of gratitude to Lauren Winner, author of "Girl Meets God."

Oftentimes I receive very sound advice from the people surrounding me. Just as often, it seems, I ignore such advice for a good month or two. I usually take this month to trust in my own wisdom and chose another path, or simply hole up in front of the television for those 2 months and avoid harsh realities. Then after some time has passed, and I find myself stuck in the same position, or worse, I finally get around to taking the advice of the people God graciously continues to put in my way. Moral of the story, after expressing my frustrations, doubts, fears, and cynicism toward church and religion to a friend of mine, she suggested I read Girl Meets God. Naturally, I thought, yeah that sounds good for me, and then continued on with life as it was. (This conversation occurred in July.) About 2 months later, I found a copy of this book in my apartment. It belonged to a roommate. ( Coincidence? Probably not.) I asked to borrow the book, and began to read it off and on throughout the semester, after I had throughly exhausted all other means of entertaining myself. So here we are, halfway through December and I have finished the book. And am extremely grateful that God, Lauren Winner, and my friends Julia and Lezlie worked together to ensure that, despite myself, I would hear some wisdom concerning God's desires for me throughout my struggles with Christianity.

The book is filled with honest reflections and insights which were all very beneficial; however, it wasn't until I had nearly finished the book that anything truly hit home. In the chapter entitled, Credo, which in Latin means, I give my heart. Throughout the chapter she discusses the reality of belief and the idea that it is more about a commitment than of a true certainty of that which we are to believe. I think the entire chapter is summed up in the following quote. (Just a side note, the "Australia kind of believing" refers to the idea that we believe Australia exists even though we haven't seen it ourselves.)

"Living the Christian life, however, is not really about that Australia kind of believing. It is about a promise to believe even when you don't. After all, when I stand up in church to say the Creed, it may well be that that very morning I didn't really know for sure that some fifteen-year-old-virgin got pregnant with a baby who was really God. Saying that Creed is like vowing to love your bride forever and ever. That vow is not a promise to feel goopy and smitten every morning for the rest of your life. It is a promise to live love, even, especially, when you don't feel anything other than annoyance and disdain."

This is what I need in my life. I need to make this commitment. Over the past few years I have found each and every way possible to alienate myself from God and his church. I have used legitimate wounds, sinful desires, and honest doubts. But throughout all of it, God has walked by my side. He has pursued me far beyond that which I expected or even desired. It is because of that pursuit that I have chosen to make this commitment. To say that, although I have serious doubts and fears and issues with the church, its teachings, the Bible, and a lot of the things which the Bible itself says, I believe. That idea that we love because God first loved us? I get it now.

So, that's my commitment. To believe when I don't believe. To believe when I don't want to believe. Lauren Winner closes her chapter with the following Hasidic story. (Hasidism is a branch of Orthodox Judaism, from which Winner converted to Christianity.)

A student goes to his teacher and says, "Rabbi, how can I say 'I believe' when I pray, if I am not sure I believe? "
His rabbi has an answer, " 'I believe' is a prayer meaning, 'Oh, that I may believe!' "

That is my prayer. So, thanks, Lauren Winner. Thanks for writing genuinely and sharing your honest struggles towards Christ so that I may move forward through mine.

Good luck on whatever journey you find yourself on,
Lauren

engaging in MY world.

so, it seems i find myself writing at times when i've hit a breaking point. and only then. perhaps i wouldn't hit these breaking points quite as often if i wrote more. but, that's water under the bridge, i suppose...

anyway, that which i'm freaking out over this time is tv. and twitter. and facebook. and people.com. and e! online. and youtube. and every "connection to THE world" that constantly keeps me disconnected from MY world. today i spent a total of about 2.5-3 hours watching tv or video on youtube. i probably spent about 2.5-3 more hours on facebook/twitter/people.com/e! online, etc. at the very least.

why is this? why is it so important for me to catch the latest episode of 90210? or watch interviews with the newest Glee cast member? i think its an escape. okay, i know its an escape. its easier for me to watch these shows and fantasize about sitting on the beach choosing between the 2 hot guys that are fighting over me or picturing myself singing along with Puck and Finn, rather than actually putting myself out there in the actual world that i'm in.

which is a pretty great place place, if i'm honest. it's not beverly hills or lima, ohio (circa los angeles), but it's great. there are great people in my life, and i've been blessed with many many opportunities. i just wish i could engage more fully in this place.

i want to be more intentional in my relationships and in what messages i allow myself to receive. i want to spend time in the Word. i want to spend time in Literature. i want to receive messages that speak the truth that i am searching for. rather than receive messages that are full of negativity or which i don't agree with, and then quickly mutter truth to myself before starting the next episode, or clicking to the article.

also, i want to be exhausted. but, not from anxiety or stress. from pursuing what i love, serving others, talking to my friends all night. i want to find what i love and throw myself into it. i long for the type of passion that creates the work that i watch on so you think you can dance. that i saw in the play, Wicked. that causes the creation of TOMS shoes. that causes someone to run 26.2 miles. i want to find that part of me that has the ability to devote myself fully to some cause. i want to find that cause.

i want more. more than fine, as switchfoot says.

so, as a way to find more, i'm going to engage more. i'm going to cut down on my facebook/tv/twitter, blah blah blah, time. i'm going to be more intentional in my relationships and quit saying "let's hang out more" and start saying "when can we grab lunch?" or "what're you doing tomorrow night?"

that's my plan.... books, real people, running, just being in MY world and not in the world of the media. because, let's face it, no matter how many interviews i watch of Darren Criss (Glee), and how much i find out about him, or how many of his songs i buy from iTunes, i'm never going to meet him. i'm not going to be on Glee. i'm not going to be on so you think you can dance. jake gyllenhaal is not going to realize i'm the 20 year old he wants to date, not taylor swift. but, you know what? there are about a million opportunities and dreams to pursue (boys to date...) right here. in knoxville. in columbia. in costa rica, next semester. all of which i will miss out on if i keep sitting in my room watching other people live out their dreams.

that's all i know for now.

Good night and good luck with whatever journey you find yourself on. :)