The title for this blog is not, though it so appears, a line of thanksgiving to myself. Or even a line of sarcasm about my newest unhealthy venture towards feeling whole. It is, however, a sincere line of gratitude to Lauren Winner, author of "Girl Meets God."
Oftentimes I receive very sound advice from the people surrounding me. Just as often, it seems, I ignore such advice for a good month or two. I usually take this month to trust in my own wisdom and chose another path, or simply hole up in front of the television for those 2 months and avoid harsh realities. Then after some time has passed, and I find myself stuck in the same position, or worse, I finally get around to taking the advice of the people God graciously continues to put in my way. Moral of the story, after expressing my frustrations, doubts, fears, and cynicism toward church and religion to a friend of mine, she suggested I read Girl Meets God. Naturally, I thought, yeah that sounds good for me, and then continued on with life as it was. (This conversation occurred in July.) About 2 months later, I found a copy of this book in my apartment. It belonged to a roommate. ( Coincidence? Probably not.) I asked to borrow the book, and began to read it off and on throughout the semester, after I had throughly exhausted all other means of entertaining myself. So here we are, halfway through December and I have finished the book. And am extremely grateful that God, Lauren Winner, and my friends Julia and Lezlie worked together to ensure that, despite myself, I would hear some wisdom concerning God's desires for me throughout my struggles with Christianity.
The book is filled with honest reflections and insights which were all very beneficial; however, it wasn't until I had nearly finished the book that anything truly hit home. In the chapter entitled, Credo, which in Latin means, I give my heart. Throughout the chapter she discusses the reality of belief and the idea that it is more about a commitment than of a true certainty of that which we are to believe. I think the entire chapter is summed up in the following quote. (Just a side note, the "Australia kind of believing" refers to the idea that we believe Australia exists even though we haven't seen it ourselves.)
"Living the Christian life, however, is not really about that Australia kind of believing. It is about a promise to believe even when you don't. After all, when I stand up in church to say the Creed, it may well be that that very morning I didn't really know for sure that some fifteen-year-old-virgin got pregnant with a baby who was really God. Saying that Creed is like vowing to love your bride forever and ever. That vow is not a promise to feel goopy and smitten every morning for the rest of your life. It is a promise to live love, even, especially, when you don't feel anything other than annoyance and disdain."
This is what I need in my life. I need to make this commitment. Over the past few years I have found each and every way possible to alienate myself from God and his church. I have used legitimate wounds, sinful desires, and honest doubts. But throughout all of it, God has walked by my side. He has pursued me far beyond that which I expected or even desired. It is because of that pursuit that I have chosen to make this commitment. To say that, although I have serious doubts and fears and issues with the church, its teachings, the Bible, and a lot of the things which the Bible itself says, I believe. That idea that we love because God first loved us? I get it now.
So, that's my commitment. To believe when I don't believe. To believe when I don't want to believe. Lauren Winner closes her chapter with the following Hasidic story. (Hasidism is a branch of Orthodox Judaism, from which Winner converted to Christianity.)
A student goes to his teacher and says, "Rabbi, how can I say 'I believe' when I pray, if I am not sure I believe? "
His rabbi has an answer, " 'I believe' is a prayer meaning, 'Oh, that I may believe!' "
That is my prayer. So, thanks, Lauren Winner. Thanks for writing genuinely and sharing your honest struggles towards Christ so that I may move forward through mine.
Good luck on whatever journey you find yourself on,
Lauren
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
engaging in MY world.
so, it seems i find myself writing at times when i've hit a breaking point. and only then. perhaps i wouldn't hit these breaking points quite as often if i wrote more. but, that's water under the bridge, i suppose...
anyway, that which i'm freaking out over this time is tv. and twitter. and facebook. and people.com. and e! online. and youtube. and every "connection to THE world" that constantly keeps me disconnected from MY world. today i spent a total of about 2.5-3 hours watching tv or video on youtube. i probably spent about 2.5-3 more hours on facebook/twitter/people.com/e! online, etc. at the very least.
why is this? why is it so important for me to catch the latest episode of 90210? or watch interviews with the newest Glee cast member? i think its an escape. okay, i know its an escape. its easier for me to watch these shows and fantasize about sitting on the beach choosing between the 2 hot guys that are fighting over me or picturing myself singing along with Puck and Finn, rather than actually putting myself out there in the actual world that i'm in.
which is a pretty great place place, if i'm honest. it's not beverly hills or lima, ohio (circa los angeles), but it's great. there are great people in my life, and i've been blessed with many many opportunities. i just wish i could engage more fully in this place.
i want to be more intentional in my relationships and in what messages i allow myself to receive. i want to spend time in the Word. i want to spend time in Literature. i want to receive messages that speak the truth that i am searching for. rather than receive messages that are full of negativity or which i don't agree with, and then quickly mutter truth to myself before starting the next episode, or clicking to the article.
also, i want to be exhausted. but, not from anxiety or stress. from pursuing what i love, serving others, talking to my friends all night. i want to find what i love and throw myself into it. i long for the type of passion that creates the work that i watch on so you think you can dance. that i saw in the play, Wicked. that causes the creation of TOMS shoes. that causes someone to run 26.2 miles. i want to find that part of me that has the ability to devote myself fully to some cause. i want to find that cause.
i want more. more than fine, as switchfoot says.
so, as a way to find more, i'm going to engage more. i'm going to cut down on my facebook/tv/twitter, blah blah blah, time. i'm going to be more intentional in my relationships and quit saying "let's hang out more" and start saying "when can we grab lunch?" or "what're you doing tomorrow night?"
that's my plan.... books, real people, running, just being in MY world and not in the world of the media. because, let's face it, no matter how many interviews i watch of Darren Criss (Glee), and how much i find out about him, or how many of his songs i buy from iTunes, i'm never going to meet him. i'm not going to be on Glee. i'm not going to be on so you think you can dance. jake gyllenhaal is not going to realize i'm the 20 year old he wants to date, not taylor swift. but, you know what? there are about a million opportunities and dreams to pursue (boys to date...) right here. in knoxville. in columbia. in costa rica, next semester. all of which i will miss out on if i keep sitting in my room watching other people live out their dreams.
that's all i know for now.
Good night and good luck with whatever journey you find yourself on. :)
anyway, that which i'm freaking out over this time is tv. and twitter. and facebook. and people.com. and e! online. and youtube. and every "connection to THE world" that constantly keeps me disconnected from MY world. today i spent a total of about 2.5-3 hours watching tv or video on youtube. i probably spent about 2.5-3 more hours on facebook/twitter/people.com/e! online, etc. at the very least.
why is this? why is it so important for me to catch the latest episode of 90210? or watch interviews with the newest Glee cast member? i think its an escape. okay, i know its an escape. its easier for me to watch these shows and fantasize about sitting on the beach choosing between the 2 hot guys that are fighting over me or picturing myself singing along with Puck and Finn, rather than actually putting myself out there in the actual world that i'm in.
which is a pretty great place place, if i'm honest. it's not beverly hills or lima, ohio (circa los angeles), but it's great. there are great people in my life, and i've been blessed with many many opportunities. i just wish i could engage more fully in this place.
i want to be more intentional in my relationships and in what messages i allow myself to receive. i want to spend time in the Word. i want to spend time in Literature. i want to receive messages that speak the truth that i am searching for. rather than receive messages that are full of negativity or which i don't agree with, and then quickly mutter truth to myself before starting the next episode, or clicking to the article.
also, i want to be exhausted. but, not from anxiety or stress. from pursuing what i love, serving others, talking to my friends all night. i want to find what i love and throw myself into it. i long for the type of passion that creates the work that i watch on so you think you can dance. that i saw in the play, Wicked. that causes the creation of TOMS shoes. that causes someone to run 26.2 miles. i want to find that part of me that has the ability to devote myself fully to some cause. i want to find that cause.
i want more. more than fine, as switchfoot says.
so, as a way to find more, i'm going to engage more. i'm going to cut down on my facebook/tv/twitter, blah blah blah, time. i'm going to be more intentional in my relationships and quit saying "let's hang out more" and start saying "when can we grab lunch?" or "what're you doing tomorrow night?"
that's my plan.... books, real people, running, just being in MY world and not in the world of the media. because, let's face it, no matter how many interviews i watch of Darren Criss (Glee), and how much i find out about him, or how many of his songs i buy from iTunes, i'm never going to meet him. i'm not going to be on Glee. i'm not going to be on so you think you can dance. jake gyllenhaal is not going to realize i'm the 20 year old he wants to date, not taylor swift. but, you know what? there are about a million opportunities and dreams to pursue (boys to date...) right here. in knoxville. in columbia. in costa rica, next semester. all of which i will miss out on if i keep sitting in my room watching other people live out their dreams.
that's all i know for now.
Good night and good luck with whatever journey you find yourself on. :)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
when it's no longer satisfying
I've decided that I'm not a very good rebel. I try to let go and make decisions based on what I want to do, but it doesn't last long. This appears to be because what my body and mind tells me I want to do always seems to cause harm to my heart. The last few months have consisted of a search for what is easy and what will bring quick relief to the aches in my heart. I've found, however, that this strategy only works for a short time, and eventually the aches make their way up to the surface once again. And often they are substantially, or even just slightly, stronger than before the attempt at a 'quick fix.'
It seems that there are no 'quick fixes' to the wounds that have accumulated over a lifetime. Well, actually these wounds appear to have accumulate over many lifetimes when considering the explicitly similar wounds which are spoken of throughout history. Our human tendency to look for the path of least resistance, which is only strengthened by our current social tendencies, seems to only help us amass more wounds along the way. My mind,and society tell me that the easiest way to silence my feelings of loneliness by grabbing the first possible companion. However, they conveniently leave out the warning that when this relationship born out of a desire to fill a void in my life ends, my loneliness will not only return, but will be multiplied by those wounds which resulted from this past, forced, surface, selfish relationship.
It seems that the wise words found in family, friends, music, books, and not the least of which have often been found in my own heart, are correct after all. The words of Elizabeth Gilbert ring so loudly in my brain now. She told herself, as I am now telling myself, "Embrace loneliness. Sit in it, learn your way around it. But never again, use another person as an instrument to fulfill your own physical or emotional yearnings." (That was a rough paraphrase. Her words, of course, are much more elegant.) This idea is so simple, yet so profound, and so difficult to do. My heart knows that this is exactly what i need in my life, but my mind screams that it's had enough. That patience can only go so far, and that the best thing is to jump at the first opportunity that arises.
But my sweet heart gently reminds my mind that this is just the mindset that brought me to this place of loneliness. It is amusing to me that the voice in my heart is so much more still and quiet than that of my mind. I feel like my mind is constantly panicked and running about trying to find an escape for everything unpleasant. While my heart sits much more contently and speaks truth. Maybe this is the reason that often my mind wins the battle. For the heart is confident in its conviction, thus has no need for frantic circular reasoning.
I've decided to give myself over to this calm, reasonable voice within my heart. I chose to stop ignoring it and all the wise words which are so conveniently appearing my life currently. Although there are many questions in my heart concerning what and whom the higher power is, I know that they have walked through this season with me, and will continue to walk beside me. I feel Him/Her in the constant support of my friends, in the lyrics that have constantly haunted me for the past few months, in the grace that is shown to me in difficult situations, and in that gentle voice in my heart.
Some of the aforesaid haunting lyrics come from a Mumford and Sons song entitled "Winter Winds". I've attached a clip of the song from YouTube. Listen to it, and see how clearly and beautifully it speaks to where I am in my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoK4YlXFyh4
Thanks for reading and good luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
It seems that there are no 'quick fixes' to the wounds that have accumulated over a lifetime. Well, actually these wounds appear to have accumulate over many lifetimes when considering the explicitly similar wounds which are spoken of throughout history. Our human tendency to look for the path of least resistance, which is only strengthened by our current social tendencies, seems to only help us amass more wounds along the way. My mind,and society tell me that the easiest way to silence my feelings of loneliness by grabbing the first possible companion. However, they conveniently leave out the warning that when this relationship born out of a desire to fill a void in my life ends, my loneliness will not only return, but will be multiplied by those wounds which resulted from this past, forced, surface, selfish relationship.
It seems that the wise words found in family, friends, music, books, and not the least of which have often been found in my own heart, are correct after all. The words of Elizabeth Gilbert ring so loudly in my brain now. She told herself, as I am now telling myself, "Embrace loneliness. Sit in it, learn your way around it. But never again, use another person as an instrument to fulfill your own physical or emotional yearnings." (That was a rough paraphrase. Her words, of course, are much more elegant.) This idea is so simple, yet so profound, and so difficult to do. My heart knows that this is exactly what i need in my life, but my mind screams that it's had enough. That patience can only go so far, and that the best thing is to jump at the first opportunity that arises.
But my sweet heart gently reminds my mind that this is just the mindset that brought me to this place of loneliness. It is amusing to me that the voice in my heart is so much more still and quiet than that of my mind. I feel like my mind is constantly panicked and running about trying to find an escape for everything unpleasant. While my heart sits much more contently and speaks truth. Maybe this is the reason that often my mind wins the battle. For the heart is confident in its conviction, thus has no need for frantic circular reasoning.
I've decided to give myself over to this calm, reasonable voice within my heart. I chose to stop ignoring it and all the wise words which are so conveniently appearing my life currently. Although there are many questions in my heart concerning what and whom the higher power is, I know that they have walked through this season with me, and will continue to walk beside me. I feel Him/Her in the constant support of my friends, in the lyrics that have constantly haunted me for the past few months, in the grace that is shown to me in difficult situations, and in that gentle voice in my heart.
Some of the aforesaid haunting lyrics come from a Mumford and Sons song entitled "Winter Winds". I've attached a clip of the song from YouTube. Listen to it, and see how clearly and beautifully it speaks to where I am in my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoK4YlXFyh4
Thanks for reading and good luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The Same Frustration
I get about 7 minutes into my p90x yoga dvd and realize i don't want to do this. It's not that I don't like yoga; I really do. It's just that I realize I'm not doing it because I enjoy it. I'm not even doing it because I care about my own health or well-being. I'm putting myself through 90 minutes of a work out that I don't really want to do because I want to be appealing to the world. Sure, the video tells me that I will improve my strength, flexibility, and cardio-vascular health all while relaxing and learning to breath and just be present in the moment. But none of that is really important to me. All my concern is, will this improve my appearance? Will doing this work out make my waist a few centimeters smaller or tone my arms a bit more? Will I lose another 2 or 3 lbs if I do this work out and don't eat the food that I want.
This has been my obsession for the past several years. And more specifically I've spent the past month and a half obsessing over following this p90x workout and eating only things which i convince myself are healthy and few calories. And now I'm tired. I'm fed up. It always happens this way. I go strong for about a month or so, then get tired and don't get the results that I want, so I give up. I go to the opposite extreme and eat whatever I want and work-out alot less. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want the guilt that I feel if I don't spend an hour a day working out. I don't want the obsessive thoughts about what others see when they look at me. I don't want to feel like everyone's view of me is only a good as I am skinny or attractive.
Because let's face it, experience tells me that people don't only see the outside. Well, some experience tells me that. Most experiences do. I look back to times when I feel as though I was at my worst appearance. I wasn't working out like I should have (or like I believe I should have) and I was eating as a normal college student, and then realize that I was making some of my strongest friendships. Funny how that realization is silenced by the few times that rejection has come because of my appearance. That the negative experiences (that I can count on one hand) scream over the hundreds of positive experiences.
So once again, I find myself trying to silence the voice that tells me I'm not doing enough. That sets the bar unreachably high, and therefore, keeps me in constant disappointment and shame. I pray that I can finally break free of that. I want to accept who I am and what I look like. I want to be active and fit and eat in moderation and be okay with that.
I want it to stick this time.
I don't know how to make it stick.
I want to be whole. I want to love myself. I want to let go.
I need to.
This has been my obsession for the past several years. And more specifically I've spent the past month and a half obsessing over following this p90x workout and eating only things which i convince myself are healthy and few calories. And now I'm tired. I'm fed up. It always happens this way. I go strong for about a month or so, then get tired and don't get the results that I want, so I give up. I go to the opposite extreme and eat whatever I want and work-out alot less. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want the guilt that I feel if I don't spend an hour a day working out. I don't want the obsessive thoughts about what others see when they look at me. I don't want to feel like everyone's view of me is only a good as I am skinny or attractive.
Because let's face it, experience tells me that people don't only see the outside. Well, some experience tells me that. Most experiences do. I look back to times when I feel as though I was at my worst appearance. I wasn't working out like I should have (or like I believe I should have) and I was eating as a normal college student, and then realize that I was making some of my strongest friendships. Funny how that realization is silenced by the few times that rejection has come because of my appearance. That the negative experiences (that I can count on one hand) scream over the hundreds of positive experiences.
So once again, I find myself trying to silence the voice that tells me I'm not doing enough. That sets the bar unreachably high, and therefore, keeps me in constant disappointment and shame. I pray that I can finally break free of that. I want to accept who I am and what I look like. I want to be active and fit and eat in moderation and be okay with that.
I want it to stick this time.
I don't know how to make it stick.
I want to be whole. I want to love myself. I want to let go.
I need to.
Monday, March 8, 2010
something greater
I'm sitting here at 11:47 pm, trying to figure out who I am. I started to make a list of traits, but they all seem trivial. I can always find ways that I am not a certain characteristic, or how that doesn't apply to me. There's no way to make a list of who Lauren Ann Kinnard is. Mainly because I don't know. I don't know if I will ever know. I know that I love to be the center of attention, but that I don't open up to many people. I know that I enjoy musicals and tv, but I feel guilty for watching so much. I know that I am passionate, but that I am quick to loose interest in things. I know I love exploring new places, but crave being at home with my family.
I also know that I am tired of the exhaustion that comes with constantly trying to figure out who I am. My mind goes back to Christ. As much as I've been fighting it every day and as much as I don't want to admit it, I miss belonging to something. I miss being able to pray about things. I miss knowing that my identity is in Christ. Even though as I say that, something inside me cringes at the thought of letting go of myself. And I believe it's because I don't know what that truly means. I just know the shame and guilt that has come with the attempt at perfection and the inevitable failure that follows.
I want to feel like there is something bigger than myself and bigger than my failures, but I don't want to quit thinking and considering other opinions. I don't want to get lost in the religion and the rules and regulations. I don't want to quit being challenged by other opinions and situations. I don't want to loose my desire to see and explore new places and people. I don't want to become a church person.
But, I know that I can't make it much longer without something larger than myself to fall back onto. But I don't want to give up and go back to what I've known in the past. I want a new place to find Christ. I believe in a God that is patient and ever pursuing his Children. I believe in a God that rejoices more over one sinner returned than over 100 faithful children. I believe in a God of Justice, and I believe in a God that sees all people and blesses everyone with something unique to give. I believe in a God that rejoices at the gift of dance and comedy and fashion. I believe in a God that bestows those gifts on us. I believe in a God that understands the pain that some Christians have caused and is ready to face that and change it. I believe in a God that is not scared of wounds and does not leave those who seek him despite their failures.
I want to find a place that believes in these things, too. I want to return to this God, but I'm scared and selfish and wounded. So, it's going to be a journey. And if history repeats itself, this journey will be filled with many peaks and many more valleys. But, I'm coming to a place of surrender. I want to surrender; I want the God that I described above to be my identity. I want to be his creation. I don't want to lose the characterstics that He gave me, but I want the freedom to fail and mess up and not act according to those characterstics and the comfort in knowing that I'm still okay even when that happens.
So, God, if you're listening, please heal me. Please reveal yourself to me. Please help me to keep asking questions, but show me your answers. But not the Sunday School answers, really listen to my questions, and answer them, Father. And if you won't answer them, then give me peace through the uncertainty. I do love you, Lord. Give me grace and forgive me. Show me who you truly are.
And to whoever else is reading, I hope that you have found that which gives you peace. Pray that I find that as well. Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
I also know that I am tired of the exhaustion that comes with constantly trying to figure out who I am. My mind goes back to Christ. As much as I've been fighting it every day and as much as I don't want to admit it, I miss belonging to something. I miss being able to pray about things. I miss knowing that my identity is in Christ. Even though as I say that, something inside me cringes at the thought of letting go of myself. And I believe it's because I don't know what that truly means. I just know the shame and guilt that has come with the attempt at perfection and the inevitable failure that follows.
I want to feel like there is something bigger than myself and bigger than my failures, but I don't want to quit thinking and considering other opinions. I don't want to get lost in the religion and the rules and regulations. I don't want to quit being challenged by other opinions and situations. I don't want to loose my desire to see and explore new places and people. I don't want to become a church person.
But, I know that I can't make it much longer without something larger than myself to fall back onto. But I don't want to give up and go back to what I've known in the past. I want a new place to find Christ. I believe in a God that is patient and ever pursuing his Children. I believe in a God that rejoices more over one sinner returned than over 100 faithful children. I believe in a God of Justice, and I believe in a God that sees all people and blesses everyone with something unique to give. I believe in a God that rejoices at the gift of dance and comedy and fashion. I believe in a God that bestows those gifts on us. I believe in a God that understands the pain that some Christians have caused and is ready to face that and change it. I believe in a God that is not scared of wounds and does not leave those who seek him despite their failures.
I want to find a place that believes in these things, too. I want to return to this God, but I'm scared and selfish and wounded. So, it's going to be a journey. And if history repeats itself, this journey will be filled with many peaks and many more valleys. But, I'm coming to a place of surrender. I want to surrender; I want the God that I described above to be my identity. I want to be his creation. I don't want to lose the characterstics that He gave me, but I want the freedom to fail and mess up and not act according to those characterstics and the comfort in knowing that I'm still okay even when that happens.
So, God, if you're listening, please heal me. Please reveal yourself to me. Please help me to keep asking questions, but show me your answers. But not the Sunday School answers, really listen to my questions, and answer them, Father. And if you won't answer them, then give me peace through the uncertainty. I do love you, Lord. Give me grace and forgive me. Show me who you truly are.
And to whoever else is reading, I hope that you have found that which gives you peace. Pray that I find that as well. Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
Sunday, February 28, 2010
reversing 20 years....
It's been a while since I posted because life has been extremely busy for me the past few weeks. Its been filled with good stuff, some not great, and some pretty sucky stuff, but overall it's just alot of stuff...
Although I've had alot of thoughts that could use processing, I'm not sure what I want to talk about in this post. Basically because I don't want to be perceived as a bitter person, and most of these thoughts are extremely laiden with emotions such as bitterness, anger, hurt, and sadness. But, since this is my blog, and I use it to process through what I am feeling, I'm going to proceed without apology for whatever comes out. So, if you don't want to walk through these thoughts with me, I'd advise you stop here. You've been warned! ;)
I'm at a place where I am becoming aware of that which is less than ideal in myself. And I believe alot of this is the product of the injustice that I have faced in my life, mainly through Church. And as I become aware, I find that I must process through this in order to come out at a better place than I currently am. This, however, is not easy or comfortable.
And one of the ways this is uncomfortable is that with these realizations comes loneliness. Being in Tennessee, the Bible Belt of the US, there aren't many people questioning the acts of the church and their effects; thus, it is hard to share what I'm thinking/feeling for fear of rejection. So, that's what I'm doing here. If I can't go to specific people (although I have found a few exceptions), might as well put it out in cyber space, right? ;) So, here goes...
Guilt. Shame. Manipulation. These are the words that come to mind when I think of my experience growing up in church. At age 10, I felt with my whole being that if I didn't get baptized, and died that day, I would go to hell. Age 10. What does that say about the messages I was receiving? Me, the girl who not only thought this at 10 but who as a 1st grader cried for 30 minutes because I talked in school and had to pull a card. I don't know if you think something is wrong with this, but I do. Can you remember a time when you were a child that you were totally carefree? That you could just play and not worry about things because you weren't aware of the pressures of life? I've heard that kids are like this, but I don't remember a time like that. Ever.
As a result, as a 20 year old, I don't relax much. I am still burdened by this pressure. I constanly question myself. Questions such as, "Have I been productive today?" "Did I study enough?" "Did I give enough?" "Am I at the right church?" "Have I worked out enough?" And on and on. For a long time, I didn't understand where my obsessive personality came from, but lately I have been enlightened to the source of that, my strict upbringing. As I'm becoming aware of this, it makes lots and lots of sense. No wonder my mind is on constant watch for my own 'failures', I was taught that perfection was the goal. That in order to be accepted and to simply be okay, I had to never fail, or in church it was referred to as, never 'sinning.' So, I adapted. I became ever vigilant for my own slip ups, and over the years, these standards stuck, even as the outside messages faded a bit. So, despite the fact that I am not in chapel everyday or 'strict' church every Sunday, that voice is ever present, it's just in my mind now.
So, this brings me to the point of all this, the solution. Unfortunately, however, since this condition is 20 years in the making, it's probably going to be 20 years in the 'undoing.' But, I already feel like progress is occurring. I'm learning to stifle that voice that has been created. I am learning to listen to what is my truth. Well, I'm learning to listen to it as I'm learning what it is. What I've figured out so far is that I am not defined by my failures. That perfection is not the goal, and that I am good. That there is not always a clear 'should' or 'shouldn't.' That I do not have to push my self 110% all the time in all areas of life. That I am allowed to rest; that I am allowed to procrastinate a little; that I am allowed to eat a little more dessert than I should on occasion.
These may seem like small things that most people don't consider for too long after they've done them, but for me, these are revelations. Revelations that I have to be vigilant to remind myself of. So, I am excited about the steps that I am making, but it is a slow process. It's not a fun process, and it's a sad process because it is one that is a product, not of my behavior, but of my environment. So, I hope that whoever is reading this will think twice about what messages you are receiving, and their effects on you. That you will consider the environment that you allow your children to be in. That you will invest in places and people that will uplift you, that will affirm in you the good. That will not attempt to create perfection in you, but will encourage you in your successes and support you in your failures.
Since I am so in tune with the church people, my guess is that if anyone is reading this, it's likely that some people are wondering where I stand with God and church, so I'll attempt to speak about that. The main answer is, I don't know. I don't know where God is. I just know that He's not where I've been. I believe this is not the life He intended for me to live, a life burdened with pressure and void of rest. So, I've basically told God that He is going to have to find me through all of this. That I'm going to work to fix the damage that people have done, and that if I am His the way that I believe a child is his father's, then I trust Him to find me. I trust that He sees my heart, and the pain that is holds and understands my aversion to church and my desire to change my current reality. And it feels good to trust that whatever is supposed to happen with me and 'church' and 'God' will happen on His time, or it won't happen.
Hmmm... It feels great to blog again, and process through these thoughts. Peace comes after processing and sharing. I feel a small burden lifted now that I have putthat these thoughts out there. So, thanks Mom, for encouraging me to write. And I apologize if this doesn't make sense or seems unorganized.
And since it is 10 AM, I'll say Good Morning and Good Luck on whatever journey you find yourself on!
Lauren
PS, not only did Mom encourage me to write, but she encouraged me to read the book, "Angry Conversations with God" which has been helpful. I want to put a quote from it here, because I think it relates to where I'm at. This is Susan, the author, talking to her counselor about mistreatment she faced growing up and how she felt abandoned by God during that time, but also how she feels like it shouldn't matter and she should just suck it up.
Susan: The guy hung on a cross for me. I got bullied for 3 years. Big deal.
Rudy: But it was a big deal for you as a child. You prayed to Jesus and He didn't answer.
Susan: "I know the answer, Rudy. Life is filled with hardship. There are bad people in the world, and I had to learn how to deal with them."
Rudy: "I know a man who was molested by a priest for years. He needs a better answer than that. So do you. It doesn't matter how small it seems now, we're here because of how big it felt then. You need to tell Jesus that."
Although I've had alot of thoughts that could use processing, I'm not sure what I want to talk about in this post. Basically because I don't want to be perceived as a bitter person, and most of these thoughts are extremely laiden with emotions such as bitterness, anger, hurt, and sadness. But, since this is my blog, and I use it to process through what I am feeling, I'm going to proceed without apology for whatever comes out. So, if you don't want to walk through these thoughts with me, I'd advise you stop here. You've been warned! ;)
I'm at a place where I am becoming aware of that which is less than ideal in myself. And I believe alot of this is the product of the injustice that I have faced in my life, mainly through Church. And as I become aware, I find that I must process through this in order to come out at a better place than I currently am. This, however, is not easy or comfortable.
And one of the ways this is uncomfortable is that with these realizations comes loneliness. Being in Tennessee, the Bible Belt of the US, there aren't many people questioning the acts of the church and their effects; thus, it is hard to share what I'm thinking/feeling for fear of rejection. So, that's what I'm doing here. If I can't go to specific people (although I have found a few exceptions), might as well put it out in cyber space, right? ;) So, here goes...
Guilt. Shame. Manipulation. These are the words that come to mind when I think of my experience growing up in church. At age 10, I felt with my whole being that if I didn't get baptized, and died that day, I would go to hell. Age 10. What does that say about the messages I was receiving? Me, the girl who not only thought this at 10 but who as a 1st grader cried for 30 minutes because I talked in school and had to pull a card. I don't know if you think something is wrong with this, but I do. Can you remember a time when you were a child that you were totally carefree? That you could just play and not worry about things because you weren't aware of the pressures of life? I've heard that kids are like this, but I don't remember a time like that. Ever.
As a result, as a 20 year old, I don't relax much. I am still burdened by this pressure. I constanly question myself. Questions such as, "Have I been productive today?" "Did I study enough?" "Did I give enough?" "Am I at the right church?" "Have I worked out enough?" And on and on. For a long time, I didn't understand where my obsessive personality came from, but lately I have been enlightened to the source of that, my strict upbringing. As I'm becoming aware of this, it makes lots and lots of sense. No wonder my mind is on constant watch for my own 'failures', I was taught that perfection was the goal. That in order to be accepted and to simply be okay, I had to never fail, or in church it was referred to as, never 'sinning.' So, I adapted. I became ever vigilant for my own slip ups, and over the years, these standards stuck, even as the outside messages faded a bit. So, despite the fact that I am not in chapel everyday or 'strict' church every Sunday, that voice is ever present, it's just in my mind now.
So, this brings me to the point of all this, the solution. Unfortunately, however, since this condition is 20 years in the making, it's probably going to be 20 years in the 'undoing.' But, I already feel like progress is occurring. I'm learning to stifle that voice that has been created. I am learning to listen to what is my truth. Well, I'm learning to listen to it as I'm learning what it is. What I've figured out so far is that I am not defined by my failures. That perfection is not the goal, and that I am good. That there is not always a clear 'should' or 'shouldn't.' That I do not have to push my self 110% all the time in all areas of life. That I am allowed to rest; that I am allowed to procrastinate a little; that I am allowed to eat a little more dessert than I should on occasion.
These may seem like small things that most people don't consider for too long after they've done them, but for me, these are revelations. Revelations that I have to be vigilant to remind myself of. So, I am excited about the steps that I am making, but it is a slow process. It's not a fun process, and it's a sad process because it is one that is a product, not of my behavior, but of my environment. So, I hope that whoever is reading this will think twice about what messages you are receiving, and their effects on you. That you will consider the environment that you allow your children to be in. That you will invest in places and people that will uplift you, that will affirm in you the good. That will not attempt to create perfection in you, but will encourage you in your successes and support you in your failures.
Since I am so in tune with the church people, my guess is that if anyone is reading this, it's likely that some people are wondering where I stand with God and church, so I'll attempt to speak about that. The main answer is, I don't know. I don't know where God is. I just know that He's not where I've been. I believe this is not the life He intended for me to live, a life burdened with pressure and void of rest. So, I've basically told God that He is going to have to find me through all of this. That I'm going to work to fix the damage that people have done, and that if I am His the way that I believe a child is his father's, then I trust Him to find me. I trust that He sees my heart, and the pain that is holds and understands my aversion to church and my desire to change my current reality. And it feels good to trust that whatever is supposed to happen with me and 'church' and 'God' will happen on His time, or it won't happen.
Hmmm... It feels great to blog again, and process through these thoughts. Peace comes after processing and sharing. I feel a small burden lifted now that I have putthat these thoughts out there. So, thanks Mom, for encouraging me to write. And I apologize if this doesn't make sense or seems unorganized.
And since it is 10 AM, I'll say Good Morning and Good Luck on whatever journey you find yourself on!
Lauren
PS, not only did Mom encourage me to write, but she encouraged me to read the book, "Angry Conversations with God" which has been helpful. I want to put a quote from it here, because I think it relates to where I'm at. This is Susan, the author, talking to her counselor about mistreatment she faced growing up and how she felt abandoned by God during that time, but also how she feels like it shouldn't matter and she should just suck it up.
Susan: The guy hung on a cross for me. I got bullied for 3 years. Big deal.
Rudy: But it was a big deal for you as a child. You prayed to Jesus and He didn't answer.
Susan: "I know the answer, Rudy. Life is filled with hardship. There are bad people in the world, and I had to learn how to deal with them."
Rudy: "I know a man who was molested by a priest for years. He needs a better answer than that. So do you. It doesn't matter how small it seems now, we're here because of how big it felt then. You need to tell Jesus that."
Thursday, February 11, 2010
yep, i am a cliche...
So, Valentine's Day is in 3 days, and I am officially the cliche of a lonely young woman, listening to John Mayer at 11 pm, and wondering when someone will come along that will want to write these songs about me? I know that it will happen. I know that what is meant to be will be, and that whoever is to 'do life with me' will come along. I know all the truths (or supposed truths) that my girl friends or my mother will say when I mention loneliness, but these things don't change feelings.
Isn't that a strange occurance? The fact that our heads and our hearts can be in such different places at the same time? That we can repeat simple truths to ourselves millions of times without them ever truly reaching our hearts. I believe this is what makes us human. The fact that we have two such powerful forces inside us that are in constant conflict. Well, maybe not constant, but frequent conflict.
It seems to me that this conflict is central to our happiness. Whether we listen to our emotions, to our hearts, or whether we cling to the thoughts that could save us despite the ache in our hearts. Some would suggest that we are to follow our hearts, but I believe many times they lead us astray. That emotions can fool us into believing that which we would never believe otherwise. Lonliness can lead us to believe that this time it will be different, and bitterness can convince us that no one can ever deserve our trust.
So today, I will chose not to follow the ache that is telling me that I'm not worthy. That it is best to give up and build walls, or that I need to find someone to fill the whole that I feel tonight. No, I will chose to listen to my head. To cling to the hope and knowledge that I am not an old maid, yet. That I am 20 years old and have plenty of time to find my _______(insert dream man of your choice). That my mom and my girlfriends are right to urge me to keep the faith. That not everyone finds their soulmate at age 16 like my parents. That the ache that seems large now will be much easier to handle than the ache that would come with throwing myself into something that is not true, or building walls to avoid the pain that comes with waiting for love or from making a few mistakes during the search for it.
So, here's my plan for the next 3 days. I will cling to my friends. I will go on a Valentine's date with my friend Hannah, and make a heart shaped cake with her, and enjoy frienship, and sweets, and the cast of the new movie Valentine's Day. I will remember my friend Mary Helen that passed away 4 years to the day this Valentine's Day. I will celebrate the fact that she was surprised on Valentine's morning by dozens of white and red roses on the car that would take her to heaven. I will mourn that she is not here to celebrate another Valentine's Day, but be glad that she left on a great one. And I will chose to be happy for those around me that have found love. I will celebrate with them, and look forward to the day that they celebrate with me.
I guess that's all for my cliche blog post about Valentine's Day. If you must, you may judge me, but this is where I'm at, so that's that. I wanna leave with a quote from the John Mayer song that I just listened to. I think these could be some of the most romantic words a man could ever say to me, and if you know me, you know why.... (he's singing to an old lover about herself and then about the new girl his friends have set him up with.)
"i loved you, grey sweatpants. no make up. so perfect. our love was comfortable and so broken in...she's perfect. so flawless. i'm not impressed. i want you back."
Lauren
Isn't that a strange occurance? The fact that our heads and our hearts can be in such different places at the same time? That we can repeat simple truths to ourselves millions of times without them ever truly reaching our hearts. I believe this is what makes us human. The fact that we have two such powerful forces inside us that are in constant conflict. Well, maybe not constant, but frequent conflict.
It seems to me that this conflict is central to our happiness. Whether we listen to our emotions, to our hearts, or whether we cling to the thoughts that could save us despite the ache in our hearts. Some would suggest that we are to follow our hearts, but I believe many times they lead us astray. That emotions can fool us into believing that which we would never believe otherwise. Lonliness can lead us to believe that this time it will be different, and bitterness can convince us that no one can ever deserve our trust.
So today, I will chose not to follow the ache that is telling me that I'm not worthy. That it is best to give up and build walls, or that I need to find someone to fill the whole that I feel tonight. No, I will chose to listen to my head. To cling to the hope and knowledge that I am not an old maid, yet. That I am 20 years old and have plenty of time to find my _______(insert dream man of your choice). That my mom and my girlfriends are right to urge me to keep the faith. That not everyone finds their soulmate at age 16 like my parents. That the ache that seems large now will be much easier to handle than the ache that would come with throwing myself into something that is not true, or building walls to avoid the pain that comes with waiting for love or from making a few mistakes during the search for it.
So, here's my plan for the next 3 days. I will cling to my friends. I will go on a Valentine's date with my friend Hannah, and make a heart shaped cake with her, and enjoy frienship, and sweets, and the cast of the new movie Valentine's Day. I will remember my friend Mary Helen that passed away 4 years to the day this Valentine's Day. I will celebrate the fact that she was surprised on Valentine's morning by dozens of white and red roses on the car that would take her to heaven. I will mourn that she is not here to celebrate another Valentine's Day, but be glad that she left on a great one. And I will chose to be happy for those around me that have found love. I will celebrate with them, and look forward to the day that they celebrate with me.
I guess that's all for my cliche blog post about Valentine's Day. If you must, you may judge me, but this is where I'm at, so that's that. I wanna leave with a quote from the John Mayer song that I just listened to. I think these could be some of the most romantic words a man could ever say to me, and if you know me, you know why.... (he's singing to an old lover about herself and then about the new girl his friends have set him up with.)
"i loved you, grey sweatpants. no make up. so perfect. our love was comfortable and so broken in...she's perfect. so flawless. i'm not impressed. i want you back."
Lauren
Monday, February 8, 2010
currently reveling...
Today I was talking to a friend about reveling in the ambiguity of life. That is currently where I'm at in life. Reveling in the gray areas, in the unanswered questions, in the uncertainty that comes with each sunrise.
Why am I reveling? Well, because I can. I am no longer restrained by other's beliefs, by the insistence that every question has a definite answer. Because, let's be honest, they don't. Oh, sure, you can give the large questions of life definite answers, but for what end? When it comes down to real life situations, seldom do those definite answers provide an easy out.
Sure, I can say that I am a passifist, and war is never the answer. But then I am reminded of the injustice that has been stopped by a few years of war. I can say that divorce is never the answer, but then I am faced with the reality of lives spent in misery because of an unhappy marriage.
Therefore, I am reveling in the fact that I can come to no definite answers to most questions. Does this mean that I give up the search for these answers? Absolutely not. But it does mean that I quit discussing things in order to come to a quick conclusion, and learn to discuss things in order to learn from the discussion itself. For in open conversation, we often get closer to the answers we are searching for, than we do when we enter a debate or enter a discussion searching for answers.
I have found a few people that have been willing to enter into these discussions with me. And for that, I am extremely grateful. For, as the Wizard says in Wicked says, "There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguites, so we act as though they don't exist."
I propose that no matter how hard we attempt to pretend that these ambiguites don't exist, they do. And in my experience, (and the experience of Elphaba in Wicked, if you've seen the play), we often cause much more harm by avoiding ambiguites, than by facing them.
So, that is my suggestion. That we learn to disuss topics in order to savor the discussion. That we appreciate life for the fact that it is uncertain. That we appreciate the situations that challenge our solid answers, and revel in the opportunity to consider other perspectives and possiblities. For uncertainty is where we find growth. Without uncertanity, we wouldn't have to challenge our thoughts and beliefs and would remain stagnant our wholes lives. There would be no diversity of thought or person. If we find this apprecation, and attempt to acknowledge, discuss, and revel in uncertainty, we will learn how to improve our actions and decisions in each new uncertain situation.
I guess that's all. Just something to think about. I definitely am just learning this lesson, and will probably be doing my best to avoid uncertainty tomorrow because of the discomfort that comes with it, but then I'll read this blog, and be reminded why I'm learning to love it.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
Why am I reveling? Well, because I can. I am no longer restrained by other's beliefs, by the insistence that every question has a definite answer. Because, let's be honest, they don't. Oh, sure, you can give the large questions of life definite answers, but for what end? When it comes down to real life situations, seldom do those definite answers provide an easy out.
Sure, I can say that I am a passifist, and war is never the answer. But then I am reminded of the injustice that has been stopped by a few years of war. I can say that divorce is never the answer, but then I am faced with the reality of lives spent in misery because of an unhappy marriage.
Therefore, I am reveling in the fact that I can come to no definite answers to most questions. Does this mean that I give up the search for these answers? Absolutely not. But it does mean that I quit discussing things in order to come to a quick conclusion, and learn to discuss things in order to learn from the discussion itself. For in open conversation, we often get closer to the answers we are searching for, than we do when we enter a debate or enter a discussion searching for answers.
I have found a few people that have been willing to enter into these discussions with me. And for that, I am extremely grateful. For, as the Wizard says in Wicked says, "There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguites, so we act as though they don't exist."
I propose that no matter how hard we attempt to pretend that these ambiguites don't exist, they do. And in my experience, (and the experience of Elphaba in Wicked, if you've seen the play), we often cause much more harm by avoiding ambiguites, than by facing them.
So, that is my suggestion. That we learn to disuss topics in order to savor the discussion. That we appreciate life for the fact that it is uncertain. That we appreciate the situations that challenge our solid answers, and revel in the opportunity to consider other perspectives and possiblities. For uncertainty is where we find growth. Without uncertanity, we wouldn't have to challenge our thoughts and beliefs and would remain stagnant our wholes lives. There would be no diversity of thought or person. If we find this apprecation, and attempt to acknowledge, discuss, and revel in uncertainty, we will learn how to improve our actions and decisions in each new uncertain situation.
I guess that's all. Just something to think about. I definitely am just learning this lesson, and will probably be doing my best to avoid uncertainty tomorrow because of the discomfort that comes with it, but then I'll read this blog, and be reminded why I'm learning to love it.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
Sunday, February 7, 2010
we'll give it a try
Recently my mom mentioned that I should be a blogger. And since I've had a lot on my mind lately, I thought, let's give it a try. Whether anyone reads this or not is of little consequence to me. Well, I say that, but I would probably be pretty pleased to acquire a little following. But regardless of all that, I just hope to be able to put words to the things that I'm struggling through in hopes of making sense of them.
I've found that life comes with many trials and many days full of wrestling with what's right, or what's wise, what's pertinent, or what's most productive, what will cause us the least pain, or requires the least effort. Why is that? Why is it that we are the only species on this planet that has deep thoughts? That has morals? That cares what we look like or what we own? Why do we acquire things? Why do we strive for entertainment? For progress? For love?
Well, I don't know the answers to these questions. As I grew up, I was taught that it is all because God created it this way. That it was all created for His glory, and thus I was to live to add to that glory. But recently, I don't know if that is exactly what I believe or what is truth. Because that idea has brought alot of pain to my heart. Not because this God intended it to, but because people have manipulated that idea. So, this is my struggle. Do I listen to and adhere to what was pounded into my head for 20 years because everyone around me believes it? Or do I face the reality that nothing is certain in this life, and that the truth that I have been told will 'set me free' has been a prison for much of my life?
I believe I will face that reality in order to find what is my truth. I don't know what that truth will look like, but I'm excited to find it. I'm excited to find a reality where I am not plagued by questions of my worth based on performance. I'm excited to find a God that doesn't base my worth on the things that others around me base it on. I'm excited to explore the questions of this earth, and find the answers that give me the most peace. I'm also a bit nervous because with exploration comes uncertainty. And with uncertainty, comes discomfort.
So, if anyone is reading this, feel free to join me on this journey. Reply if you're supportive, please don't if you're not. I guess that's all.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
I've found that life comes with many trials and many days full of wrestling with what's right, or what's wise, what's pertinent, or what's most productive, what will cause us the least pain, or requires the least effort. Why is that? Why is it that we are the only species on this planet that has deep thoughts? That has morals? That cares what we look like or what we own? Why do we acquire things? Why do we strive for entertainment? For progress? For love?
Well, I don't know the answers to these questions. As I grew up, I was taught that it is all because God created it this way. That it was all created for His glory, and thus I was to live to add to that glory. But recently, I don't know if that is exactly what I believe or what is truth. Because that idea has brought alot of pain to my heart. Not because this God intended it to, but because people have manipulated that idea. So, this is my struggle. Do I listen to and adhere to what was pounded into my head for 20 years because everyone around me believes it? Or do I face the reality that nothing is certain in this life, and that the truth that I have been told will 'set me free' has been a prison for much of my life?
I believe I will face that reality in order to find what is my truth. I don't know what that truth will look like, but I'm excited to find it. I'm excited to find a reality where I am not plagued by questions of my worth based on performance. I'm excited to find a God that doesn't base my worth on the things that others around me base it on. I'm excited to explore the questions of this earth, and find the answers that give me the most peace. I'm also a bit nervous because with exploration comes uncertainty. And with uncertainty, comes discomfort.
So, if anyone is reading this, feel free to join me on this journey. Reply if you're supportive, please don't if you're not. I guess that's all.
Good night and Good Luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
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