Leap of Faith.

In my last post, I said that I would be moving to Atlanta for TFA. However, since that post, I've learned that is not the case. Due to lots of turmoil and changes in the Atlanta school systems, there are no longer many available positions for TFA teachers, so our Corps (of approximately 400) has been asked to consider either deferring for a year or transferring regions. Woah. This came as a huge shock considering we were planning on being in Atlanta in under a month.

After receiving emails and listening in on conference calls, I decided that I would be willing to transfer regions. I didn't think too much about this decision at first because I had always had an open mind about my location. When I originally applied to TFA, I selected about 20 regions that I would be willing to move to, but just happened to receive my first choice. So when asked to transfer, I thought, "Not a big deal. I'm open to moving." I immediately filled out a survey and said that I would transfer to one of six different regions across the states, (New York City, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Charlotte, Miami, and the Bay Area of California). Not a big deal.

As the next few days passed, I began to realize what exactly that decision meant. I don't know where I'll be living for the next two years. A more pressing issue, I don't know where I'll be living in a month. I don't know what the culture will be like. I don't know what churches will be there. I won't know anyone. I don't know if I'll be 500 miles or 2000 miles from my family. I don't know anything. And I was the one who decided it was okay for me to not know anything.

 WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I honestly don't know. My first reaction was that I needed to make the right choice. That God's plan was for me to choice one of the three options (staying in Atlanta despite uncertainty of placement, transferring regions, or deferring), and I had to choose the one He wanted. If I chose wrong, I would mess up His plan and knock my life off track. Thankfully, I have some great people in my life that have taught me that I can't mess up His plan.

After remembering that I can't make a "wrong" decision, but should just go with my gut and God will work it out, I decided to click transfer. I felt great about it at the time. Most of the time I still do, but there is a huge part of me that is extremely anxious. (See the above paragraph stating everything I don't know for insight on what I'm anxious about.) Tonight I was reminded of all the worrying that I have done over the past months about Atlanta. It's funny because I was so worried that I would mess up, that I had made the wrong choice in choosing Atlanta, that I wouldn't do enough for my students, or I wouldn't make it as a teacher, or I would lose touch with God. It was all about me and how I was going to fail or succeed.

Now nothing is about me. I literally have no control over the situation. Seems to me that God is reminding me that nothing I do can or will save me. That nothing I do can or will make Him love me less or make me fall from His graces. That He is in control and will not allow me to stumble or fall. It is such a beautiful feeling to know that I am not in control. That no matter where I end up next month, God is with me, working in me, and protecting me. That despite all the pressure I feel to do the right thing, that is not what He wants for me. That He wants me to rest in His arms and allow Him to do the planning and worrying.

I've been doing a Beth Moore devotional book over the past few months and one of the prayers that she wrote and I noted in my journal goes as follows,
"Lord, You alone are worthy of glory. So when my deliverance comes, may I give you alone the glory. And as you teach me to live abundantly, may that glory-giving continue."
Seems like this prayer is being answered for me. When all of this works out (with its inevitable struggles and issues), I will have no choice but to see it as God's deliverance and give Him the glory. It will not be about my planning or preparing, but about His divine plan.

I am excited for this ride, but equally anxious about the bumps and bruises that are sure to come along with making this leap. Please pray for me as I start this journey.

Lauren

Teach for America

So, it's been over a year since I've blogged. And life looks very different since my last post. I graduate from UT in exactly 10 days. I am a 2012 Teach for America Corps member and will move to Atlanta in exactly 28 days. I am planning on blogging again so that I can share my TFA experiences with all my friends and family. So stay tuned!