I've decided that I'm not a very good rebel. I try to let go and make decisions based on what I want to do, but it doesn't last long. This appears to be because what my body and mind tells me I want to do always seems to cause harm to my heart. The last few months have consisted of a search for what is easy and what will bring quick relief to the aches in my heart. I've found, however, that this strategy only works for a short time, and eventually the aches make their way up to the surface once again. And often they are substantially, or even just slightly, stronger than before the attempt at a 'quick fix.'
It seems that there are no 'quick fixes' to the wounds that have accumulated over a lifetime. Well, actually these wounds appear to have accumulate over many lifetimes when considering the explicitly similar wounds which are spoken of throughout history. Our human tendency to look for the path of least resistance, which is only strengthened by our current social tendencies, seems to only help us amass more wounds along the way. My mind,and society tell me that the easiest way to silence my feelings of loneliness by grabbing the first possible companion. However, they conveniently leave out the warning that when this relationship born out of a desire to fill a void in my life ends, my loneliness will not only return, but will be multiplied by those wounds which resulted from this past, forced, surface, selfish relationship.
It seems that the wise words found in family, friends, music, books, and not the least of which have often been found in my own heart, are correct after all. The words of Elizabeth Gilbert ring so loudly in my brain now. She told herself, as I am now telling myself, "Embrace loneliness. Sit in it, learn your way around it. But never again, use another person as an instrument to fulfill your own physical or emotional yearnings." (That was a rough paraphrase. Her words, of course, are much more elegant.) This idea is so simple, yet so profound, and so difficult to do. My heart knows that this is exactly what i need in my life, but my mind screams that it's had enough. That patience can only go so far, and that the best thing is to jump at the first opportunity that arises.
But my sweet heart gently reminds my mind that this is just the mindset that brought me to this place of loneliness. It is amusing to me that the voice in my heart is so much more still and quiet than that of my mind. I feel like my mind is constantly panicked and running about trying to find an escape for everything unpleasant. While my heart sits much more contently and speaks truth. Maybe this is the reason that often my mind wins the battle. For the heart is confident in its conviction, thus has no need for frantic circular reasoning.
I've decided to give myself over to this calm, reasonable voice within my heart. I chose to stop ignoring it and all the wise words which are so conveniently appearing my life currently. Although there are many questions in my heart concerning what and whom the higher power is, I know that they have walked through this season with me, and will continue to walk beside me. I feel Him/Her in the constant support of my friends, in the lyrics that have constantly haunted me for the past few months, in the grace that is shown to me in difficult situations, and in that gentle voice in my heart.
Some of the aforesaid haunting lyrics come from a Mumford and Sons song entitled "Winter Winds". I've attached a clip of the song from YouTube. Listen to it, and see how clearly and beautifully it speaks to where I am in my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoK4YlXFyh4
Thanks for reading and good luck with whatever journey you find yourself on.
Lauren
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