reversing 20 years....

It's been a while since I posted because life has been extremely busy for me the past few weeks. Its been filled with good stuff, some not great, and some pretty sucky stuff, but overall it's just alot of stuff...

Although I've had alot of thoughts that could use processing, I'm not sure what I want to talk about in this post. Basically because I don't want to be perceived as a bitter person, and most of these thoughts are extremely laiden with emotions such as bitterness, anger, hurt, and sadness. But, since this is my blog, and I use it to process through what I am feeling, I'm going to proceed without apology for whatever comes out. So, if you don't want to walk through these thoughts with me, I'd advise you stop here. You've been warned! ;)

I'm at a place where I am becoming aware of that which is less than ideal in myself. And I believe alot of this is the product of the injustice that I have faced in my life, mainly through Church. And as I become aware, I find that I must process through this in order to come out at a better place than I currently am. This, however, is not easy or comfortable.

And one of the ways this is uncomfortable is that with these realizations comes loneliness. Being in Tennessee, the Bible Belt of the US, there aren't many people questioning the acts of the church and their effects; thus, it is hard to share what I'm thinking/feeling for fear of rejection. So, that's what I'm doing here. If I can't go to specific people (although I have found a few exceptions), might as well put it out in cyber space, right? ;) So, here goes...

Guilt. Shame. Manipulation. These are the words that come to mind when I think of my experience growing up in church. At age 10, I felt with my whole being that if I didn't get baptized, and died that day, I would go to hell. Age 10. What does that say about the messages I was receiving? Me, the girl who not only thought this at 10 but who as a 1st grader cried for 30 minutes because I talked in school and had to pull a card. I don't know if you think something is wrong with this, but I do. Can you remember a time when you were a child that you were totally carefree? That you could just play and not worry about things because you weren't aware of the pressures of life? I've heard that kids are like this, but I don't remember a time like that. Ever.

As a result, as a 20 year old, I don't relax much. I am still burdened by this pressure. I constanly question myself. Questions such as, "Have I been productive today?" "Did I study enough?" "Did I give enough?" "Am I at the right church?" "Have I worked out enough?" And on and on. For a long time, I didn't understand where my obsessive personality came from, but lately I have been enlightened to the source of that, my strict upbringing. As I'm becoming aware of this, it makes lots and lots of sense. No wonder my mind is on constant watch for my own 'failures', I was taught that perfection was the goal. That in order to be accepted and to simply be okay, I had to never fail, or in church it was referred to as, never 'sinning.' So, I adapted. I became ever vigilant for my own slip ups, and over the years, these standards stuck, even as the outside messages faded a bit. So, despite the fact that I am not in chapel everyday or 'strict' church every Sunday, that voice is ever present, it's just in my mind now.

So, this brings me to the point of all this, the solution. Unfortunately, however, since this condition is 20 years in the making, it's probably going to be 20 years in the 'undoing.' But, I already feel like progress is occurring. I'm learning to stifle that voice that has been created. I am learning to listen to what is my truth. Well, I'm learning to listen to it as I'm learning what it is. What I've figured out so far is that I am not defined by my failures. That perfection is not the goal, and that I am good. That there is not always a clear 'should' or 'shouldn't.' That I do not have to push my self 110% all the time in all areas of life. That I am allowed to rest; that I am allowed to procrastinate a little; that I am allowed to eat a little more dessert than I should on occasion.

These may seem like small things that most people don't consider for too long after they've done them, but for me, these are revelations. Revelations that I have to be vigilant to remind myself of. So, I am excited about the steps that I am making, but it is a slow process. It's not a fun process, and it's a sad process because it is one that is a product, not of my behavior, but of my environment. So, I hope that whoever is reading this will think twice about what messages you are receiving, and their effects on you. That you will consider the environment that you allow your children to be in. That you will invest in places and people that will uplift you, that will affirm in you the good. That will not attempt to create perfection in you, but will encourage you in your successes and support you in your failures.

Since I am so in tune with the church people, my guess is that if anyone is reading this, it's likely that some people are wondering where I stand with God and church, so I'll attempt to speak about that. The main answer is, I don't know. I don't know where God is. I just know that He's not where I've been. I believe this is not the life He intended for me to live, a life burdened with pressure and void of rest. So, I've basically told God that He is going to have to find me through all of this. That I'm going to work to fix the damage that people have done, and that if I am His the way that I believe a child is his father's, then I trust Him to find me. I trust that He sees my heart, and the pain that is holds and understands my aversion to church and my desire to change my current reality. And it feels good to trust that whatever is supposed to happen with me and 'church' and 'God' will happen on His time, or it won't happen.

Hmmm... It feels great to blog again, and process through these thoughts. Peace comes after processing and sharing. I feel a small burden lifted now that I have putthat these thoughts out there. So, thanks Mom, for encouraging me to write. And I apologize if this doesn't make sense or seems unorganized.

And since it is 10 AM, I'll say Good Morning and Good Luck on whatever journey you find yourself on!

Lauren

PS, not only did Mom encourage me to write, but she encouraged me to read the book, "Angry Conversations with God" which has been helpful. I want to put a quote from it here, because I think it relates to where I'm at. This is Susan, the author, talking to her counselor about mistreatment she faced growing up and how she felt abandoned by God during that time, but also how she feels like it shouldn't matter and she should just suck it up.

Susan: The guy hung on a cross for me. I got bullied for 3 years. Big deal.
Rudy: But it was a big deal for you as a child. You prayed to Jesus and He didn't answer.
Susan: "I know the answer, Rudy. Life is filled with hardship. There are bad people in the world, and I had to learn how to deal with them."
Rudy: "I know a man who was molested by a priest for years. He needs a better answer than that. So do you. It doesn't matter how small it seems now, we're here because of how big it felt then. You need to tell Jesus that."